StinkyFinger's Blog

 

                                                       
                        

Good day to all,

    As I sit here wide awake at 3:15 in the morning (again) I can't help to reflect on the events of a few days ago. I took a chance at great physical injury or perhaps death by means of shooting, beating, stabbing, or vehicular hit & run, and ventured to the new retail superstore at I-70 and 40 Hwy, in Independence.

   Upon entering the parking lot, I was overwhelmed by the number of vehicles cruising the isles looking for a spot in which to navigate their either A- broken down, rust covered, plastic covered windows, trunk rattling death traps with smashed fenders, fake temp tags, and two do-nut tires, or B- 2007 or 08 Cadillac Escalade on 22 inch triple-chrome spinners. In an effort to avoid the madness, I parked the Gremlin clear in the back, put the Club on the steering wheel, said a short prayer, made sure I was right with the Lord, and started for the store.

Once I navigated my way through the line of cars blocking the entrance, my first impression upon walking through the doors was one of  both relief and intimidation. I walked into an environment of screaming kids running loose, announcements blaring over the intercom, and mass hysteria in the isles. I wove my way through the throngs of teenagers with one hand on their cellphone and the other hand in a feverish battle to keep their pants above their knees. Past the open-mouth breathers slowly wobbeling with the upper half of their body weight resting on the cart, and through the children riding bicycles and bouncing basketballs in the isles. I made my simple selections, and decided to get the heck out of there while I still had the mental strength to press on.

Of course, out of the 30 some checkout lanes, all of 10 were in service. Spending my wait listening to the various conversations in broken Spanish and gangsta rhymes, I finally made it to the cashier. What greeted me was a horrific example of a man. Staring at a face covered in string warts and a recent outbreak of the Herpes Simplex Virus, it was all I could do to maintain my composure. I swiped my card , signed my receipt, and made a direct line towards the door. After showing the "greeter" my receipt, being interrogated about my purchases, and stopping just short of a complete body cavity search, I made a run for the Gremlin, which thankfully was still in tact.

I made it home in no time at all, put the Gremlin to bed, and spent the next few hours in silent reflection, thankful to be home, safe at last.

 

 

Update*** I have created a new photo album with pictures of the special people in my life. Take a look, and I hope you enjoy !

              Your Buddy, StinkyFinger                     

 

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Good day to all,

I find myself once again apologizing for my extended absence, as I have been overwhelmed as of late with work and therapy...However, let you, my cyber family, rest assured that I have never forgotten about you, and often reflect with fond memory all that we have been through, both the good times and bad.

My Christmas holiday was for the most part uneventfull. I spent it alone, at home, sitting in a self-imposed isolation, with the shades and curtains drawn tight. I felt that the "alone time" would do me good. In reality, I was simply on a pity pot, due to the abandonment of my children. When asked if they would like to come over to open presents, I was attacked with what seemed like a never ending series of insults and personal attacks. After all, person can only be called a Cheap Bastard and a long-haired freak so many times.

Work is going well, the company was forced to do a bit of "restructuring" after the new year, but nothing major. We work an extra hour everyday and a full shift every other Saturday, but the boss says that he will eventually be able to give back the 1.00 per hour he was also forced to take. But the good news is that if we meet our new, higher production goals, we get an extra 5 minutes added to our lunch break.

I feel that I am making great progress in my therapy sessions, even though I am still attending 3 days per week. I have begun to address my self-esteem issues lately. I begin each day nude, in front of my bathroom mirror, assuring myself that I am a strong, worthy man. I have always been overly sensitive of my limp shoulders and knobby elbows. So, I have began to exercise 3 days per week, in a effort to develop my shoulders.

I hope to serve as a reminder to us all that life's trials and tribulations never end. We must simply learn to address them as they surface, and learn from each one. I feel like I have had my fair share of ups and downs, and that I have emerged a stronger, healthier person.

Until next time,

Your Buddy,

Stinkfinger

      First of all, let me apologize for staying away for so long...I am sorry, so very, very sorry. My therapist says that I need to stop apoligizing so much, but I simply dont feel worthy of other peoples love or forgiveness.

   I have been struggeling for the past month. As a matter of fact, I left my house yesterday for the first time in 36 days. My days have been spent in a stuppor of self-pity, depression, self- impossed  isolation and physical abuse by my own hand. I sometimes feel that the physical abuse that I dish out to myself helps to relieve the pain on the inside, however most of the time I only end up scarring myself on the outside.

   The episode that brought this on is a sad one, but maybe if I share it I will feel better, so here it goes...

   It all began when I went to pick up my kids for my once a month visitation. When I pulled up in front of the house, my Unce Larry, ( drunk as usual). was sitting in the driveway , and began yelling insults towards me before I could even get out of my car..( the sweetest AMC Gremlin you've ever seen..check out the picture in my photo albums..). The tirade of anger lasted till I reached the front door. He chose this time to tell me how he was with my ex-wife because I couldnt  satisfy her if I had an extra hand and a map. So,I just tried to make it into the house as fast as I could.

   Once inside, the situation wasnt much better. The house was trashed, beer cans everywhere, overflowing ashtrays, Lynard Skynard blasting on the stero, and my kids running around completely out of control. It appeared that they hadn't bathed in days, and the smell reinforcrd my susspicion. They were screaming at the top of their lungs that I  wasnt their Daddy anymore, that my Uncle Larry was, and how they werent going with me no matter what the Judge said.

   While all this was going on, I had no idea that my ex-wife was even home, untill I heard the toilet flush about three times, the exahaust fan turn on, and all of a sudden the beast of a woman that I once loved emerge from the bathroom. She had nothing pleasant to say ethier. She started in on how she was taking me back to court for more child support, and how the only man that has ever satisfied her was my Uncle Larry. I begged her not to do this in front of the kids, but her reaction was to push me backwards into the wall and say that I am still as weak as I used to be. I begged her to stop, but by this time the kids were laughing hystarically, and they decided to join in on the fun. The oldest kicked me in the groin before I could even get up , and the youngest was telling his mother to do it again.

   Realizing that I once again that I was in a abusive situation , this time with my own family, I made my escape towards the door just as the Skynard song " Gimmie three Steps" was coming on. Once outside, it was time for Larry to have his fun. He was carrying on about how I just got beat down by a woman, and that my kids didnt care if they ever saw me again. I got in the Gremlin, shoveled out the beer cans that Larry thought would be cute to throw in, and put the pedal to the metal.

   All of this and all I was trying to do was pick up my children for what I hoped would be a fun weekend. It hurts me to no end that it appears that I cant trust anyone, and that everyone has turned aginst me.

   Consequently, I have stepped up my threapy sessions to three times a week, and am trying to learn to love myself, since its obvious that my own kids dont.

   Thank God that you, my cyber family havent hurt me, allthough Adrenochrome always has some paranoid, border-line psycotic comment to make. I sometimes feel that my problems dont begin to compare with his on a mentally- defficent level.

                Well, thank you all for your time, and I'll try harder to stay in touch.

                                              Your Friend, Stinkyfinger

   Good day to all,

I have missed my cyber family gretaly, but I took some time out for myself lately to explore some feelings and emotions that I have kept botteled up for far too long.

I sought after and recieved the help of my spiritual Guru, Noshianda, for an intensive, seven day cleansing of my body and mind.

   My journey began long before I made the pilgrimage to her house of Zen in the the peacefull land of Harlem, NY. I stopped by my old residence to drop of my child support check to my Uncle Larry { drunk again } , and had the oil changed, belts tightend and tires rotated on the Gremlin. After saying the serinity prayer what seemed like a hundred times, I began the voyage to enlightenment.

   Jamming almost non-stop to my favorite Winger Tape, I made the trip in no time. Since I had been living on laxitives and celery for almost a week, the coffee enema I received after arrivial went very smoothly. I entered what Noshianda refered to as her steam room, which she claimed would cleanse my pores and induce ''visions''. Much to my dismay, the steam room amounted to nothing more than me sitting on the toilet as she cranked the hot water in her filthy shower. Overwhelmed with a mixture of midew- ladden steam and stale ciggerette smoke, I never expirenced the visions she promised, however I was thankfull to be so close to the toilet once the nausea began to set in.

   What followed was a daily regimine of house cleaning, babysitting the twin five year olds, cooking boxed dinners for Noshianda and her boyfriend, followed by restless nights spent on a urine-soaked army cot and being lulled to sleep by the sound of small arms fire.

   Even after begging my host to let me leave, she convinced me that my ''threapy'' wasnt complete. I was made to film her ameature ''bedroom adventures'' with no less than 5 diffrent men, then ridiculed when the lighting was ''inadequate''.

   Late on the seventh night, while Noshianda and her special friend for the night slumberd in the room next to mine , I found myself once again fleeing a abusive situation. Wearing nothing more than a pair of boxer shorts and a Nike jacket, I made my way out the door with the keys to the Gremlin tight in my hand. All I can say is I never looked back as the tears flowed.

    After eventually making it home, I sought the comfort of my children, but was turnd away at the door by Larry, who said that it was ''Disco Night '' and I would have to come back tomorrow.

   It is obvious that my recovery has not yet taught me to keep myself  out of abusive relationships, even when I think I can trust someone. This expirence has been an major setback for me, but has helped me pinpoint the areas I still need work in.

   All I can do at this time is ask for prayer from you- my cyber friends- the only people who have yet to hurt me. At least not physically.

 

   I was overcome with emotion to see my special lady finally put to rest along side her son the other day. May her body and soul rest at last.

   Her situation reminds me of another ocassionally mentioned in the news... the fact that  James Brown has yet to be burried. Why is it that the new fad in celebrity deaths is to leave them unburied and fight over DNA? It is common practice for the corener to take tissue samples at the time of an atopsey. I dont see why family or whoever is putting up these pathetic fights cant simply petetion the courts for these samples.

   I guess that in the back of my mind I wonder if anyone would even notice if I were gone.

  Hello everyone,

   I was sitting around this morning, and while reading my daily medetation and self-help lesson I felt inspired to post a blog on my thoughts as to what makes us all uniqe.

   I will use three of my best friends, as well as myself, as examples.

   My friend Chuck, while not thought of as a classically good looking guy, had the pereodic table of elements memorized by the age of eleven, recieved his GED by the age of fifteen, and had a bacholors of science degree at the age of nineteen. While the rest of our peer group was busy cruising on friday nights, playing D&D, and mastering the various video games of the time, he was at home expanding his knowledge and educating himself on the finer things in life.

   Leroy, with the shoulder width of a kitchen stove and the mental capacity of a drunken gandy was one of the best linebackers to ever emerge from Harrison, Ark. Although he could barely function by himself on a day by day basis, he is the most caring and thoughtfull simple-minded individual one will ever meet.

   Nitro, with his ever-increasing need for the approval of others has broken over twenty bones and is scarred from head to toe with evidence of ignorant gambles of endurance. He has had numerous conflicts with the law, been hospitalized nine times { four of which have been psychriatic in nature } and yet has never felt the sense of belonging that he so desperately craves.

   Myself, I endured twelve years of chaotic hell in the form of a disfunctional marriage with my highschool sweetheart. Although my love for her knew no boundries, the beatings and verbal abuse followed by the eventual infedelity with my own kin resulted in me reaching my own breaking point and seeking recovery.

   Since then, I am able to offer my help and advice to others in volitile situations and help them to escape the nightmare of abuse. I feel a sense of self-worth that I have never known in the past and enjoy every momment of it.

   Feel free to explore my picture albums to see the friends that I spoke of here, as well as many other pictures I have posted.

Am I the only one that thinks there should be a full investigation of Howard K Stern?

Think about it. He has been with her for years, through all of the trials with her ex-husband- the oil guy- so he knows better than most what kind of pontential that holds, he wasnt to far away when Daniel died, then all of a sudden he and Anna have a ''comittment'' ceremony.

  Shortly afterwards, as we all know, she dies. There is some amazing footage right now on the web with her in clown make-up, pushing a stroller, completely blasted out of her mind. The person holding the camera? Stern. He is making comments right in front of her about how this footage will be worth money, and completely carefree with the fact that this woman has his child in her care, and she acts like she dosent even know where shes at.

 With Daniel gone, Anna dead, and in custody of the child { which has one heck of a road in front of her...} it seems as though he has the major obstacles out of his way. I'm not implying that he killed them, but I do think that he is a master manipulater, and I dont think he went out of his way to help her. I think that he was more of a handler than anything.

 Regardless, it is a huge mess. I only feel bad for the baby. She has been born into a world where she will be a legal pawn for years to come. Hopefully she is put in custody of someone who actually cares for her, and not a potental payday.

This guy made me giggle. True he didnt act as a judge traditionally does, but our character flaws are what make us all unique. It has taken me a long time to understand this, but since I have, my life has become much easier.

  I only wish that all people understood this, perhaps people wouldn't judge me so quickly.

   Hello everyone,

 Its been a while since I've said hello, but I've been busy at work. I have fallen behind on my child support. I'm not so sure its not just my Uncle Larry buying those scratcher tickets again..

Any way, all the recent news about Ms. Smith and the custody battle over her baby has me concerned. It is becoming obvious that she had many lovers, all at one time. There are no fewer than four diffrent men stepping forward claiming to be the father.

  It amazes me with the alledged ''union'' between her and Howard K. Stern that there would be so many other men in the picture. Perhaps her out-of control lifestyle played a factor. Perhaps a home sex tape will emerge?

  I am familiar with how low self-esteem reflects on our behavior. I allowed people to use and abuse my body for many years in hopes of gaining their approval. Since entering recovery I have learned that I am Better than that and only wish I could have reached Anna before she passed. Perhaps I could have set an appointment betwwen her lovers. 

 

  I am so very proud of her..you go girl!!

I am a huge fan of her music, and am the proud owner of her entire catalog.

She has been through a lot, and I only wish that I had that courage sooner in life.

 I am very new to this, but I have posted a profile, and recently added a variety of photos. I am excited about the thought of meeting new friends, and like Brittany, have been through a lot lately.

I am looking forward to hearing from everyone!!

 

While motoring around our city, the high level of traffic and speed at which our fellows travel is very troubling to me.
While my car is not considered high performance,[ I have a VERY clean AMC Gremlin], I feel that if we all slow down and are more respectfull of each other, our streets and travel routes would be much safer.
I can't help but to also place much of the blame on the Kansas City Police Department. I feel that the traffic department is completely sub-standard when it comes to making me feel safe...and thats all I want...espicially after my recent divorce...is to feel safe.